Brewing Thoughts

November 6, 2007

Life 2.0

Filed under: Family — jidd @ 10:37 am

No, it isn’t a minor “point revision”. Having a kid is like rewriting things from the ground up. That routine you’ve worked so long to dial in just right? Out the window. The simple things that you took for granted like just being able to roll over in bed, forgotten.

Sure, some may say marriage is the first major revision to Life 1.0. They lie. It is Life 1.5 at best. Unless you’re parents arrange for you to marry some chick/bloke that you’ve never met, most of us ease into the long-term relationship thing. There’s dating, perhaps living together, then finally:

Him – Hey, you wanna just get married? It’s easier than dating searching for someone new. I love you, will you marry me?
Her – Yes, and lets have babies.
Him – Babies, are you kidding me? Well, if that’s what we have to do for me to have sex. Yes, lets have lots of sex babies.

If you’ve already lived together, not a whole lot changes. The milestone is that you spend a bunch of money to throw a fancy party, and in exchange for coming to the party people give you a bunch of free stuff. Sure, some people definitely throw better parties than others. Correspondingly, some guest give you better swag too. It really is a bit of a gamble for both the couple and the guests. The guest aren’t sure just how good a party will be, so how nice of a gift do I give? The couple has guests that they know will bring dime-store presents, and some that they hope will bring the bling. Just how do you make it equitable for all?

It also all gets very political with the families and making sure all the right people are invited, none of the wrong people, and creating a seating chart is something akin reading a star chart written in Swahili.

Throw in a honeymoon, and then the fuss is pretty well over and done with. Back to work everyone.

But rest assured, when all that is said and done it is just a point revision. You think you’re ready for Life 2.0? First, lets look at mommy to be. She needs to be willing to spend 9 months nurturing what would otherwise be considered a parasitic tumor until it is roughly the size and shape of a large spaghetti squash or small watermelon. Then, just when she thinks it’s killing her and she is going to rupture from the pressure, well, she does. The chain reaction is kicked off with the springing of a leak, progressively worsening cramping, all culminating in pushing said gourd out of an orifice 6 times too small.

And dad? Well, hope you’ve got a strong stomach pops because while mom is doing the dirty work you’ve got a front-row seat to Aliens 3D, now with Smell-O-Vision! Seriously, Gallagher has nothing on this folks. Granted, neither end of this deal is real high up on the list of things to do on a boring Friday night, but I think I’d have to stick with dad’s role here.

Just when you think the drama is over, all the people that had been around running this freak show disappear. You’re left alone to fend for yourself with this “baby”. It has no concept of Day vs. Night. 3 meals a day. Inside voice. All the things that you’ve spent so long to get figured out in Life 1.0 are irrelevant. Wait, no, they aren’t irrelevant to you. They are irrelevant to “baby”. You still have obligations in the outside world, that world you interface with through what you’ve learned in Life 1.0.
Work? It still starts at o-dark thirty. You still want to eat generally as you ate before.

You DESPERATELY want to sleep as you slept before, but “baby” has other plans. Except there is a language barrier. The interface to “baby” isn’t as refined as the rest of the interfaces in Life 1.0 were. It works differently and you can’t quite figure it out. “Baby” says, “I’m hungry, I want to eat NOW.” All you hear is, “Wwwwaaaaaahhhhhh!!” Oddly, this is exactly what it sounds like to you when “baby” says “get this shitty diaper off my ass,” “would you stop making those ridiculous faces,” or “I’m cold, wrap me in something warm and soft.” The interface is the same, but the input required to change to the desired result is different every time. There is only one alarm for every type of error imaginable.

But somehow, inexplicably, you’re drawn in. For while there is but one alarm, there are countless other good sounds and rewards. When the stars align in God smiles down on you, “baby” is now Melanie. She coos, oohs and ahhs. She looks like a strangely familiar, albeit substantially smaller version of somebody you know. She gets that particular silly grin when she drops a bomb in her diaper. She looks up from your arms much as a drunk guy looks upon a woman of questionable attractiveness; not quite able to focus clearly, but pretty sure they like what they see. Whether she is sleeping, visually exploring the world, or just trying to understand warm sensation creeping up her backside, you can’t help but just sit and stare at her.

The upgrade process isn’t easy, but it is definitely worth the trouble.



  1. Great post JD. Glad to hear you three…er…six are surviving.

    Comment by Adam — November 6, 2007 @ 10:52 pm | Reply

  2. wow. that was awesome. you should write a book. really, jd, awesome.

    Comment by timidvenus — November 12, 2007 @ 8:35 pm | Reply

  3. great photo’s guys.

    and nice post. you write?

    Comment by ed — November 13, 2007 @ 6:15 pm | Reply

  4. Thanks all, I’m flattered. I’ve always been quite the anti-writer. I recall in elementary school we used to get our weekly list of spelling words, and we would have to write a short story using so many of the words. One week, I wrote about a kid who had to write a story using . My teacher wasn’t amused.

    Comment by JD — November 14, 2007 @ 8:34 am | Reply

  5. That was great! I wish I could write like that.

    It was great seeing you all.

    Comment by Becky — January 9, 2008 @ 10:10 am | Reply

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